This morning was the Jingle Bell Run in Birmingham, my first race in over a year. I was nervous this morning so I woke up early. Lounged around. Had cereal for breakfast. We left the house a little late and got there just in time to get our registration stuff. I was excited though- we had our jingle bells on and I had a santa hat. Tim and I were chipped so we took a place sort of near the starting line.
Well, it didn’t go well. The race was delayed and the longer I stood there, in the COLD, listening to these marathoners next to me pretend they weren’t going to do well at the 5k, the less ready I felt. Still, though, I wanted to beat BE&K time from a few years ago, and I really thought I could. So the gun went off and Tim TOOK OFF. I mean I felt like he was going so fast. And…all this happened in like a second…but it was bad. Tim was going so fast, all these people were passing us, and I, well, had intestinal problems. I really thought I was going to have to find a bush nearby. I couldn’t feel my legs at all. It was awful. It was the Athens Human Race all over again, only much, much colder.
Well, I made it up the hill at the beginning of the course, and even a little further. But I thought I was going to throw up. I told Tim to go ahead, but he wouldn’t. So then I walked a little bit. Then I ran more. Then I had to walk again. My lungs were burning. Then I ran again. But I had to walk again (this is all way before even a half mile mark). I kept telling Tim to go ahead without me, but he wouldn’t. He kept suggesting we just hang back and walk with Macy and Dad. So finally I agreed.
I am so disappointed about this race. I said to Tim, right before it started, that this is the first 5k we’ve run together that we’ve both been prepared for. And yet- look how it turned out! All the new shoes and training runs and reading running magazines didn’t even result in one mile.
Yes, I had fun walking with Dad and Macy. I tried to make the most of it, and it really was fun. I’ve been trying not to beat myself up about this all day. But it’s hard. Before Tim left this afternoon, I took him aside and told him how sorry I was. I thought he would be understanding when I explained what happened, but instead he said, “Well, this just can’t happen for the marathon.” I felt a little heartbroken. I don’t know how to KEEP it from happening. I still don’t know why it happened. I don’t know if I can do this.
Tonight I looked up some articles on stomach problems when racing. Apparently, a ton of people experience this. This just happens to have been my first time to go through it, and I didn’t handle it well. So I don’t feel as awful about myself, but still. What if I’m prepared for this in the next race, but then I run into a new problem? (sigh.)
I also don’t know what to do about my running partner. He is always, and everywhere, going to be an exponentially better runner than I am. And I can’t change that learning curve. So…I’m not sure what to do.
I’m going to be ok going to sleep tonight. And I’m going to go out and start the marathon training on Monday. I’m going to find another 5k to do soon enough, so that I can prove to myself that I can do this. Maybe I’ll run it by myself, I don’t know. I’ll remember today for the fun I had with my family, and I’ll try to take some lessons away (no cereal before races), and I can hope for a better race next time, I suppose.
Sometimes it’s hard to feel like a runner. I’m trying to remind myself that going out there, week in and week out, putting in the miles, is what makes me a runner. Nothing else.
